This is a letter that has been floating around the interwebz, and was originally on craigslist. This is a true letter/story!
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you
demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and
my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after
you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in
your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us
again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as
you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your
shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's,
along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be
on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.
I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about
to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
So, about your pants; I know that I was a little rough on you when
you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it
up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like
to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you
used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or
powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be
so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch
and laundry. Peace! - Alex