Collection of sex + other jokes

[Havok]

Teacher Sex
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher.

Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm very proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long? I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today!"

His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My butt's still sore."


Sport Of Choice
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.

Office Managers
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"Steve," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Watson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

Arkansas Bar
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Steve Darling."

"Okay Steve, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


Vegas!
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Damn."

Sex Therapy
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"

Password
A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.

The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife's attention. So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, "PENIS".

His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***
***PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE. ***

Sweet Nothings
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grining at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

Marketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with some friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call saying, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition

**WARNING!** Read at your own will lol..

10 Things You Don't Want to Know
1. During an hour swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept!

5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

9. Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

10. Sharing a bag of chips with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their feces.

Kids
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''

2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. ''Now how did that get there?''

8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

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[Juicy]

bah to much to read must do it later

[X-räi]

its messed up =(
plz fix!
sentences became out of order >.>

[Havok]

Sorry! I fixed it though, accidentally copy and pasted in the wrong spot.

[X-räi]

k thx gj :laugh:
i already knew some, especially the 5., i heard it from a german comedian(he also improved it a little bit :laugh

[tomtom682]

lol the first one is funny

[Diesel]

Originally Posted by Havok

Arkansas Bar
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya:huh: Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Steve Darling."

"Okay Steve, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Making fun of Arkansas? zomg ban!

Anyway, we know what a taxidermist is... We use them to mount our deers/ducks, because we are one of the biggest hunting states, so the joke is kinda stupid

[cyclonebb]

haha this is funny as. thx for the laughs!